To Fill the Emptiness
by Cooking Spray
Summary: Despite my original advertisement, this is, in fact, a typical suicide story, veiled in appealing prose. Ironically, it's also the only chaptered story I've ever completed. Starcrossed TomoyoxEriol.
1. Sweet Tortures

She was sixteen. The young woman sat blissfully, struggling with a pleasant smile. Her bare feet were submersed into the cool, clean water of the lake. Anyone watching her, and there were a few, thought she was merely cooling off- she looked so beautiful, her smile, her beautiful hair, the sunbonnet. But they did not notice the crimson, inkish under the icy lake surface, swirling from the gashes in her feet.  
  
She sat with her feet poised on the rocks, forcing herself to keep them there, even when the pain became its worst. She forced a smile. She must endure. After eight hours, she rose, the pain and hunger, stiffness and sunburn her penance for her uncommitted crime. She dried her feet in the dusk, further punishing herself by walking home.  
  
She did not know why she tortured herself so. But she knew she must do it. A little at first, then bigger and bigger things. People became suspicious, asking why she was always so bruised, bandaged. But she did not hear them. Alone, in her room, always alone, she cared for herself. She always did at least that. She smiled as she admired her scars, the remnants of battles against..... something she knew she must fight. Her skin was imperfect. It was scarred, it bled, no longer smooth to the touch. She was imperfect.  
  
She wasn't suicidal. Of course her tortures were odd and dangerous, but they made her feel brave, important, empowered and unlike her shy self. Maybe that is what she wanted. To become something else than Tomoyo. To escape. She did not know. But maybe she would, finally, if she went a bit deeper....  
  
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"Open your Guide to Understanding Tenth Grade Geometry to page forty-three, Unmasking the Polygon. Mihara-san, please begin for us."   
  
Tomoyo listened with model-student intensity, blissfully unaware of the proud, angry scar she showcased just beneath her lip. She smiled as she obeyed.  
  
Sakura also obeyed, but her mind was not on the lesson. She glanced at Tomoyo, looking concerned. Lately, she had been worried about her. She showed up at school bandaged and bleeding, bruised, and sometimes not even showing up at all. Everyone suspected she was attempting suicide............but aren't the suicidal depressed? She looked at the scar once more. Her friend seemed even more cheerful lately. Inside, Sakura was deeply afraid... She sighed, returning to the Geometry lesson, but every here and then taking quick looks at Tomoyo....  
  
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"So, how did you get this one?" Sakura asked only half-heartedly, knowing she wouldn't get the truth. She studied primly green and gardened grass beneath her feet on the Seijou High lawn. She hugged her books to her chest, feeling very uncomfortable. Everywhere students went on with their lives. Once she was one of them, but today the sound of Chiharu strangling Yamazaki wasn't as exasperatingly funny as it used to be.  
  
"I slipped and cut my chin on my wire fence while I was watering the flowers," she said briskly, as if it were an everyday thing. She smiled all the while, her voice too cheerful to be real.  
  
"You seem.......very clumsy lately." She suddenly felt like crying.  
  
"Don't I?" She laughed gaily. "Oh, I've forgotten! Maiko-san asked me to help her with the flute! Very sorry, Sakura-chan.... See you after school!" And she dashed off without ever glancing back. So unlike the old Tomoyo....  
  
She couldn't take it anymore. Sakura collapsed upon the ground, sobbing. Tomoyo never even looked at her. Where had she gone? The old Tomoyo........she didn't like this new one. Ever since she started hurting herself....... What would make her so unhappy? Did she hate her? All their conversations.......they were so sketchy, Tomoyo always talked carelessly, as if she were so distracted. She had made new friends and hardly ever spent time with Sakura anymore. Yet, she seemed happier than ever. Happier..... but not herself. She ached to see her, clutching her V8 and asking to tape her. Didn't she know that she liked her the way she was?  
  
This was too much. She wiped away the tears and sat up, leaving the schoolyard unnoticed.  
  
She was going to call Eriol.  
  
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I know, it wasn't very long......... But I hope you see the situation. I also hope I'm taking this off of the beaten path. Let me know if you enjoyed it, or even if you didn't. All comments are welcome; I respect everyone's opinion. Arigato!  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all characters, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.) 


	2. A Cry For Help and Some Painful Memories

Hi, my fellow readers! :P Here's the second installment........... please enjoy! *crosses fingers*  
  
Oh, and a very special thanks to Innocent Sake for being my very first reviewer and saying so many nice things! Arigato gozimasu! I haven't had the chance to read any of her 24 fics yet, but I'm sure they're all very nice. I'll try to connect with my reviewers. This chapter is for you, Sake!  
  
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"Eriol-kun?" She questioned the receiver, eying it.  
  
"Yes, speaking. Who is this?" His deep voice hadn't changed a bit. She could almost picture him, even after all the time that had passed. But she had no time for mental pictures. She was on a mission. An important one. One that would hopefully bring her friend back.  
  
"It's Sakura." She took a deep breath, then lowered her voice. "Eriol- kun, this is important. I know....... I know we haven't spoken much. But I don't know who else to turn to. You know her best. Before...... Before......... Before she......." Sakura sucked in her breath, pausing to blink away the tears that threatened her.  
  
"Yes, Sakura-san?" His voice was comforting. "Go on. I promise I'll help, whatever it is that is troubling you."  
  
That made her feel a little better. She smiled and started over. "Before she started hurting herself, Tomoyo, she always talked of you. It happened about a year after you left. She really cares for you.........cared......." Sakura found it difficult to go on, and was relieved when Eriol decided to interject.  
  
"Daidouji-san.......Hurting herself?" He seemed surprised, yet also concerned.  
  
"Yes, she's been doing terrible things. She's not at all like her old self. I don't know what's happened...... She's worrying us all..... Oh, Eriol, you've got to help!"  
  
He paused, listening to her try to stop herself from crying. "I'll be there for you. For her. This is serious..... Thank you for phoning."  
  
"Thank you, Eriol-kun........." The line went dead, and she sat in the telephone booth, clutching the phone and smiling through teary eyes.  
  
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Tomoyo couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt as she trotted up her drive, seeing Sakura, her best friend, looking so sad. No not guilt..... but what? But then she wondered for a moment was the meaning of that friendship. But never mind.... she mustn't let the sorrow get to her. She hadn't felt any since that day in the park. But just to be safe, she decided to try a new torture. Her own way of putting life behind her. Besides, her mother wasn't around.... but then again, when was she? And if she was around, would she even care? Probably not. They hadn't spoken for months. But that was okay for Tomoyo. Her tortures would never go as far as endangering her very being.  
  
In fact, she didn't even think about them anymore. They were a routine. She looked around. Finally she spotted a nice balcony to try. It wouldn't be too hard to climb. And even if it were, and she fell, the job would be accomplished, her work done. Checking to see that no one was around, she began to climb. She soon reached the top. She was exhausted, but she liked that. She looked over the edge at the beautiful blue sky. And then came the thrill. She jumped.  
  
Seconds later, she landed on the earth, deliciously dizzy. She smiled and sat up, brushing off the dirt. She was a little shook up. Her hand bore a few marks where she had fell through the bushes, and her ankle hurt a bit. Twisted. She stood up and went inside. It hadn't been that far of a drop. But she already had her scar, so she didn't need another rush. She didn't need the near-death experience she had almost put herself through when her favorite maid died. Today hadn't been particularly troublesome.  
  
As she undressed for her shower, some odd memories struck her. She tried not to think of them, but they wouldn't stop coming. She was younger then. That wasn't the way to live. Then, the replay of the most painful of all-  
  
Tomoyo smiled as she stepped out of the shower, avoiding thinking about it. She didn't want to force herself through that pain again.  
  
Maybe she would need another torture after all.  
  
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Another short one.... two pages seems to be the trend going now. I don't think the next chapter will fit, though. Or then again, maybe..... but forget the chitchat. I remind you, read and review, and, as usual, feel free to say anything. See ya next chapter! ^_^  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all names, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.) 


	3. Torturous Recollections

Third chapter, peeps! Sorry for the short delay....... I've been working on some other fics and had a little mishap concerning me and my rollerblades................... but I'm fine, don't worry! Much thankies to Blue Berry Angel, Umiko and Kokori, and ShadowedAngel for their reviews! I'm open to comments of any kind, and e-mail, of course. ^__^  
  
Read and enjoy!  
  
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Sakura rode the elevator to Syaoran's apartment. Her mind had was tired of worrying about Tomoyo and thinking about Eriol's visit. She needed someone to talk to and a way to take her mind off things.  
  
The elevator stopped, and she stepped out, automatically heading toward his door. She knocked.  
  
Wei answered the door and gestured for her to come in. She slipped her school shoes off and replaced them with the slippers provided at the door.  
  
"Li-san is studying. You may visit him in his bedroom." He smiled as she departed. "Maybe that will cheer her up."  
  
Sakura opened the door to his room a crack. "Syaoran-kun?"  
  
Syaoran looked up from his studies to see Sakura. He closed his book and smiled. "Sakura."  
  
She came inside and shut the door behind her, flopping effortlessly upon the bed and sighing. She felt an arm around her. She leaned against the boy it belonged to. Neither were blushing anymore.  
  
"What is it?" He smoothed a lock of her hair, gently brushing her cheek with his fingertips.  
  
"You saw Tomoyo-chan. I'm very worried...... These three years have been nothing but turmoil. I can't stand it, and I hate to say this, but I can't stand her either. What she's become....." She sighed loudly. "I called Eriol-kun. It's the only way....... It hurts to know I couldn't do it alone, but there's something she's running from, so if I bring it back......."  
  
Syaoran looked into the fading daylight. "She seemed fine that year after he left, but inside she was really troubled. I wish we could have helped her. Hurting herself..... is her way of forgetting it. It makes her happy, to be able to live the day through with pain to seal her worries and fears. She's still running, and she refuses to let it catch up."  
  
"I hope I did the right thing." She leaned closer to him, following his gaze into the sunset.  
  
"I think you have. We'll see soon. We just have to make sure..... when it does catch up, she gives in......."  
  
Sakura's gaze hardened, and she felt a rush of confidence. "You can't be running anymore."  
  
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Eriol was gone. Back in England with Mitsuki-san. Even Sakura had left, in a way. The Clow Cards were captured. Every one of them Sakura Cards. She was happy being with Syaoran........She had no real need to be her friend anymore. She could get by without her. Tomoyo knew she knew this. She still visited her, though, still acted like a friend. Tomoyo wanted to believe it was true...... but everyone else had given up on her, why shouldn't Sakura?  
  
Meiling e-mailed her sometimes. That was okay. They weren't real friends, Tomoyo knew Meiling was independent. That was what they shared. Meiling told her about her life. Tomoyo was merely someone she could talk to. Even now she still liked her. But that made no difference. She had once told Meiling the things she was doing to herself, everything she had been afraid to admit to anyone else, but she never got a real reply. Just, "Yeah, I did that once. I understand. Do what feels best. You won't need it once it's over." But somehow she knew that would never happen. She would always need it, because he would never- She sealed her old self away then.  
  
One day she was sitting in her bedroom, and her mother was off of work. She knew that Sonomi would never love her, but there was still a chance......  
  
"Hello, Okaa-san."  
  
"Hi, Tomoyo!" Her heart leapt as Sonomi sat down her coffee mug and came smiling toward her. Maybe, just maybe....  
  
She stroked Tomoyo's hair. "Have you invited your friend Sakura over lately? Why don't we call her? You could invite her over for tea......."  
  
Her spirits sunk "I think I should study for the exams."  
  
"Oh, well then, I guess I could get some work done if you aren't going to have any friends over." She walked back to the kitchen. "Hope you get a good grade!" she called, but Tomoyo knew she didn't mean it. If she had cared at all, she would have noticed that the exams were in two weeks, like the calendar said. But then again, she never cared.  
  
She cared for Sakura more than she.  
  
And that is why Sakura was never invited over to the house again.  
  
Tomoyo awoke, the memories of her dreams still evident. She smiled. She needed another torture.  
  
But something else scared her even more than the dream. She could forget the memories. But never the feelings that came with them. No matter how hard she tried. Only the pain would wash them away.  
  
She sat up, remaining calm, and crept to the edge of the room where she had stashed the kitchen knife. Her mother could always buy a new one.  
  
She slashed her skin. With the coming of the pain, the feelings faded away. She smiled once more and went back to bed.  
  
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Yay! Just over three pages! I'm really pleased with this...... Well, if you really want to know what happens, stay tuned! Keep those reviews coming, and thanks for your support!  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all names, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.) 


	4. How You Remind Me

I'm back again......................... ^^ Here's my fourth. Hope ya like it as much I do..... Hey, if anyone can, please read my other ficcie, The Forgotten Clow. I haven't gotten any reviews! *sniff* And I worked really hard, too! The summary really sucks.... but if you would I'd really appreciate it. Thankies, good readers! Now if we may, let's begin!  
  
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Tomoyo and her mother ate their breakfast in silence. Tomoyo didn't mind, though. If Sonomi (She no longer called her mother, what kind of mother had she been to her?) cared nothing for her, she cared nothing for Sonomi. Their conversations were short and simple. Each knew that the other was perfectly fine with the distance, that they could take care of themselves without any help from the other.  
  
Sonomi looked up from the paper cordially, gazing at the bandages on her arm. "How did you get those?" She wasn't concerned, but every once and a while Tomoyo guessed she decided she must have something to say to her, so she wouldn't turn her in for child neglect of something. Like she would. The one good thing the woman had done for her besides spoil her with her huge allowances was brought her into the world. She respected her enough to keep quiet. After all, wasn't she happy?  
  
"I had an accident in science class." She finished her rice.  
  
"Good thing they didn't send you home. I hate it when they do that. As if I have time to worry about things like that. I'm a busy woman. Besides, you were fine, you take care of yourself."  
  
Tomoyo smiled but ignored her as she returned her dish to the counter to be washed. She grabbed her schoolbag and headed for the door.  
  
"I'm off."  
  
"Have a nice day."  
  
Tomoyo smirked at the absurdity of that last remark and stepped outside, where the day was hers to seize.  
  
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At the same time, the wiry frame of a young man was visible in the shadows as he stepped off of his flight. His glasses glinted with the passing of an incoming plane outside the glass, its silver body absorbing the morning sun.  
  
In his hand was a creased slip of paper. He looked down at it as he claimed his luggage. A house in the wealthy district..... He wasn't far. He would walk.  
  
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Tomoyo smiled and laughed as she chatted with her chorus of friends at lunch. Sakura sat hunched over her own lunch, used to being ignored by Tomoyo's friends. She knew it was useless to accept, but she must see to it that Tomoyo didn't hurt herself again... Besides, Eriol would be coming soon.....  
  
"And how ugly! Don't you agree, he's a monstrosity?" It was one of Tomoyo's new schoolgirl friends speaking.  
  
Tomoyo threw her head back and laughed. She smirked into her shabu shabu, grasping a warm, marinated strip with her chopsticks. This was the way to live. Whatever had she been thinking before? Then she paused. Her stomach churned. Something didn't feel right.....  
  
"Tomoyo-chan, are you ever going to eat that?" one of the girls giggled. Tomoyo snapped back to reality.  
  
She pushed the feeling aside. "Oh, yeah, eventually. Oh no, I'm turning into him!" The whole table broke out in hysterics.  
  
Sakura gazed at Tomoyo, trying to eat while laughing. She had seen her pause before, that look in her eyes......  
  
She felt something.......Him........Eriol is here. Sakura continued to look at her, but she had already returned, and she knew she had no intentions of pulling herself back into the dark place she had been in before.  
  
Or maybe so.......  
  
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Tomoyo skipped lightly through the entrance of her house, just waving away the last of her friends as they disappeared behind the bushes. Besides that feeling at lunch, today had been a breeze. She wouldn't even need a torture. She smiled, briskly climbing the stairs to her room. Life was perfect. Oh, if only it would last forever....  
  
"Hello, Tomoyo-sama," came a masculine voice from behind as she lay down her school satchel. She froze. Her insides seized up. No, no.........  
  
She dropped the backpack almost mechanically. All the color had drained from her face, all of the evidence of the cheerful mood she had felt just seconds ago was gone. She turned around, slowly backing out toward the balcony. Her expression was horror of the utmost escalation.  
  
"So I've found you," said Hiragaziwa Eriol with a smile.  
  
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Oh, the suspense! We have reached our climax! They're always so short.......... but oh well. Keeps you tuned, doesn't it? Well, anyway, I've talked enough. I love to hear from all of you! But, for now, ja ne!  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all names, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.)  
  
Also, a footnote: The title is in no way affiliated with the Nickelback song "How U Remind Me". 


	5. One Last Escape

I'm back! And Innocent Sake, you also deserved those things I said about you because you leave such kind reviews. ^_^ I'm glad everyone likes my story. Can you believe it was written without a plot? Nor can I! I like it, too. Not to waste your time listening to silly old me, let's move forth, shall we?  
  
Also, this is really super-short, so I've uploaded two chapters so I don't further aggravate my reviewers with another cliffie.  
  
Now, let's READ!  
  
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"How did you.......you........here.....who....who let you in?" she said, her voice trembling. She shakily backed up another step. She was having a hard time maintaining control.  
  
He smiled again. Tomoyo thought she would melt. She didn't deserve that smile. She looked for something, anything, to make this go away.....  
  
"The maid. Daidouji....." He reached out to touch her arm. She shrank back, as if he had a deadly disease. He couldn't touch her. It would be too much.  
  
"No!" she said shrilly. She then lowered her voice. "No....." She looked into his eyes. They were so close. She stood there for a moment, forgetting her purpose. Maybe.... She leaned forward, her eyes shut........ No, no, no! Her head snapped back into place and she leapt back, looking frightened and also frustrated with herself.  
  
"Tomoyo-san, let me help you......." There was a pleading look in his eyes. He held out his hand. "I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore....."  
  
He knew about that! And calling her Tomoyo........ For once she could ignore the memories. She could almost touch his hand. He didn't want her to hurt herself....... But he didn't know why.......Or did he...... Slowly, she reached out to him........  
  
And stopped. It was Sakura. Sakura had told him this. The memories, the painful memories returned with such a force that Tomoyo had to snap her hand back.  
  
But Sakura cared.......  
  
Suddenly she realized everything had been her own fault. All the pain, all the suffering, the running..... She had been wrong. Life had failed her. But it didn't matter anymore. One last escape.........  
  
"NO!" And she dove off of the balcony to the ground thirty feet below.  
  
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No! Bad Tomoyo....... This one is really short, but I posted two chapters at once because I'm nice and didn't want to leave you hanging. (Also, I didn't want any flames....) All I'm going to say is that you Tomoyo fans out there might need some tissues.  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all names, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.) 


	6. Confessions

Her world slowly spun into focus. In a whirl of color, Tomoyo noticed the sanitary confinement of the hospital walls, the stiffness of the starched white hospital sheets. Then the pain hit her. It throbbed in her head and pounded in her eardrums like beating of drums at a rock concert. Then, slowly it died away. And it hit her:  
  
She had jumped. She remembered. Closed her eyes and jumped. She had hoped not ever to wake up. She didn't even feel the bushes as they scraped her delicate skin. They tore at her clothing as the wind screeched through her ears. Then she hit the dirt, and almost instantly her world turned black.  
  
And here she was. She opened her eyes and tried to push herself upright. But the pain overcame her, so she sunk down once more. Surprised, even more so, she was when she saw everyone crowded around her bedside. She saw Sakura's tearstained face. Everyone- they really had cared. Oh, she would make it up to them........ Syaoran and Eriol even looked worried. She felt guilty for worrying them all, but one face didn't complete the picture. Of course her so-called schoolgirl friends weren't there. They had never cared from the beginning. But, Sonomi..........  
  
"TOMOYO-CHAN!" Sakura burst, embracing her and breaking out into fresh sobs. "Stop worrying us.....please....... but, all I have to say now is, I'm so glad you're alive!" Tomoyo smiled as she looked up through the mused mound of auburn hair. It was just as she remembered it three years ago. She was so grateful for that hair...... Oh, everything would be the same, once she got better...... She felt Sakura's chest heave, and then her friend pulled herself off. But even if she hadn't, Tomoyo wouldn't have cared. Sakura straightened the hem of her school uniform and hastily wiped her eyes on the collar, but tears still gleamed in her eyes even as she beamed back at her.  
  
Then she glanced over at Eriol. This would be hard. She struggled with her voice. After all, she would speak first, it was she who caused him the mess, and she would apologize for it.  
  
"Eriol......." she managed, thinking of a way to begin. "Eriol.......I'm truly sorry for all of this. I'm also sorry you had to come down here...... but see, if you hadn't, I would have continued this and it eventually would have killed me. I thank you. Even if it took me where I am now to figure that out, I am grateful. I owe you my life. I'm so sorry..... it had to be this way. I shouldn't have been...... all of this wouldn't have happened.... you......" She trailed off, feeling shy. The story was painful. And it would mean revealing her feelings. But she didn't need the pain anymore. She could do this. The past would not overcome her anymore.  
  
"I....." she began, and stopped, taking a deep breath. Eriol nodded encouragingly, and she beamed at him gratefully. That was what she needed to get started.  
  
"When you moved away with Mitsuki-san, that was more than I could bear. I cared for you. And to see you go away like that..... it crushed me. People in my life were disappearing. My mother had never been there for me, but I had such great friends to fill up that empty space I thought that I could live on. But then Sakura-chan and Li-kun found each other..... and everything began to crumble. Meiling-chan moved back to Hong Kong. They had each other...... Everyone just gave up on me, I felt. Sakura still liked me, she tried to be my friend, but I was so depressed, I refused to believe that anyone loved me. Those memories of you, Eriol-kun, were so painful now that you were gone with Mitsuki-san. So I hurt myself to fill the emptiness. The pain would wash away my feelings. It was great, like I had found the magical cure. I started with little things, then I gradually moved up as the pain became more and more. I felt I was invincible. Life was great. I found new friends who didn't question me about my past or the scars I bore. I thought everything was perfect."  
  
"In the beginning, I tried to get help. I knew deep in my heart that doing these things was wrong, and there must be another way. But no one would listen, I couldn't find anyone who cared. I wouldn't even think of telling my old friends..... of course, that's who I was running from. So I sealed myself away. I ignored every memory. I used pain to wash it away, the way that drug users abuse cocaine and ecstasy to escape from their problems. That's what I was doing. I was running away. I thought I could run forever. But then, you showed up....."  
  
"......and I couldn't run away. There was no way out. I couldn't escape my feelings. They were just there, and I had to deal with them without anything to take my mind away from them. I couldn't handle it. It was too painful. So, to make it end, I jumped, hoping I wouldn't ever get up."  
  
"But I had a thought right after I jumped. I realized how much you all really cared... But it was too late. I'm still alive though, and now I realize. I'm so sorry, everyone, for what I've caused you, for what I've done to you..... but all I wanted..... all I wanted was somebody that cared. Sonomi...... Okaa-san......." The tears that had been trickling down her cheeks now became sobs and crying as she finally gave into the pain and truth that she had been running from for four years. She felt so relieved...... She didn't need pain, she had tears.....  
  
"Tomoyo-san......" Eriol, said, wide-eyed. He, like everyone else, was astounded by her gruesome tale of how she had tortured herself these past three years. But she.....she had just admitted that she loved him...... He made his way to her bedside. He took her hand, bandaged with the IV attached to it as it was, and smoothed back her hair. Tears also sliding down her cheeks, Sakura also snuggled deeper into Syaoran's chest. He took her in his sturdy arms as he watched the scene. He, too, was crying.  
  
"I can't ever forgive myself...... To know that I caused you this much, you don't know how I feel....... Wait, yes you do. I'm sorry." Another of his great smiles. "You are special........ I didn't know you cared so much. I was the cause of your pain..... Oh, Tomoyo-san, I couldn't ever make it up to you......"  
  
Tomoyo smiled slowly. Her best, real smile in years. "You-"  
  
Sonomi burst through the door at top speed panting and looking extremely worried.  
  
Tomoyo looked very shocked. "Okaa-san!"  
  
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Aren't you happy she didn't die? I'm such a nice author *nod nod*...... Keep that box of tissues handy, or, if you're already out, you might need more. Just a fair warning. Well, I'm off to type! I await your commentary!  
  
(Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is property of CLAMP, and all names, likenesses, and any others used in this story are property of their respective owners. Only the plot is my own.) 


	7. All I Wanted

Tomoyo!" Sonomi was completely unaware of anyone else in the room. To her, the only person who existed was her daughter.  
  
"Okaa-san!" she repeated, still shocked. Her mother was bent over at her bedside. What was this? She couldn't possibly..........  
  
"I heard....... about the accident........ I quit work for the day....... Are you alright?" Sonomi reached out to touch Tomoyo's forehead, but paused, realizing she had just admitted she cared. She hadn't said it straight out, but she had shown it in her concern.  
  
The picture was complete. Tomoyo should be happy. But somehow she wasn't. She turned away from her mother's touch. "Why............ Why do you care now? You never did before......... Does it take hospitalization for you to pay any attention to your daughter?"  
  
Sonomi looked surprised. "No, no, I just..........." She stopped abruptly. It was true. "Tomoyo, I-"  
  
"This is your fault. That I hurt myself. You didn't care enough about my bruises. Didn't you understand? I could have turned to you and not have been in the shape I am now! But you turned away.............." She was sobbing softly. "How can you do this to your own daughter......."  
  
Sonomi was silent. The thing that pained her the most was that Tomoyo was correct. She had never cared for her as much as she had for Sakura. Guilt began to swallow her. She could only sit there and watch her only daughter cry.  
  
Angry teardroplets still spilling from her eyes, she looked at the short-haired woman with utter hatred, her breath more labored. "You loved Sakura more than me!" she yelled. Sonomi's pupils dilated with shock.  
  
"No, please, just listen-"  
  
"I don't want to listen! I'm tired of listening! Tired of listening to your pathetic excuses!!!!" Her voice rose in rage by each syllable. "Just this once, listen to me! Listen to what I have to say! Just this once......." The sobs overtook her now, and she turned away, unable to go on.  
  
Many minutes later, the cries subsided, and with a final sniff she wiped the tears away. She now lay on her back, her tearstained face mounted upon the pillow of her hospital bed. Her matted and tangled hair curved around her. With hers eyes closed, she once again began, this time with extreme calamity.  
  
"You admired her. The daughter of your darling deceased cousin, she meant so much to you, reminded you of the good times. I listened patiently to your stories of her all through childhood. I obeyed when you told me to grow my hair as long as hers. I said nothing when you constantly talked of Sakura. At first. Then, everyone disappeared, and I had no one to turn to. You never paid me any heed. In a way, I enevied my former friend so, almost to the point of hatred. She could easily win your affection, while I had tried so hard for twelve long years and failed to receive it. I wanted to be like her, but couldn't. And that is when it began."  
  
I wanted To be like you I wanted Everything  
  
"I tried, honestly tried, for a while. I tried to make you love me. But it didn't work. Eriol was gone, too, and that made it worse. Meiling was in Hong Kong, and Sakura was with Syaoran. There was no one left. I couldn't bear it. So I used pain, yes, pain, to escape. I was carried away, and eventually became so detached from my former life that the "tortures", as I referred to them, became more frequent, necessary to abolish any memoirs of my past life. I ran until I collapsed."  
  
So I tried To be like you And I got swept away  
  
"I did all kinds of things. Jumping, cutting, slashing, even at some points, drugging if it got really bad. I was on permanent vacation from my old life, fighting off the old memories rather than be depressed. To chase away the aching solitude, the constant ignorance."  
  
If you want to I can save you I can take you way from here So lonely inside So busy out there And all I wanted was somebody who cared  
  
"Deep inside my heart there was eternal winter, yet I filled this hole with false happiness. Meaningless, everchanging fast-track lifestyle. Then, and I'm ever so grateful for their help, they tried to help me. Eriol confronted me. But I couldn't take it. I ran, figuring it the only choice I had, still resisting. I let it sweep me away, letting my precious life be endangered again."  
  
I didn't know that  
  
It was so cold and You needed someone to show you the way So I took your hand and We figured out that When the time comes I'll take you away  
  
If you want to I can save you I can take you away from here So lonely inside So busy out there And all I wanted was somebody who cared  
  
"And then I realized that I couldn't keep pushing the past behind me, that I had to face, no matter how much it hurt. I, more than anyone, had created my friends more worry and heartache than they had ever done to me. They will help me get through this. They will hold me when times are rough. They will tell me the truth, never keep it from me, because so genuine is their companionship it will never again waver." Her voice had a rising strength in it, trembling ever so subtly with the poignance she held within her statement.  
  
I'm sinking slowly So hurry hold me Your hand in my hand is what keeps me hanging on Please can you tell me So I can finally see Where you go when you're gone  
  
Her story had ended. Her eyelids snapped open, now Sonomi saw them, the familiar slate gray gaze of her darling daughter afire. She felt a little afraid, and even back up a step.  
  
Her chin trembled. "Tomoyo, you can't say this is what you've been doing? Look at all I've given you, I-"  
  
"You've given me nothing," she said smoothly, "but money to fill my wallet, empty, facaded affection."  
  
"Tomoyo!" The woman fell down on the hospital linoleum, truly breaking now. She began to sob, stricken tears. She tugged on the hem of Tomoyo's hospital gown. "Please, I'm ever so sorry, I'll make it up to you, please, please, don't do this!" Now she was the one begging for forgiveness and affection.  
  
The dark-haired girl untangled herself from her grasp. Sonomi backed away like a wounded puppy, her delicate hands clutched at her face, sobbing silent sobs.  
  
To her surprise, Tomoyo smiled and looked at her kindly. "I'm sure you mean it, Okaa-san." The expression deepened almost to pity and sympathy. "But how can I believe that?"  
  
Sonomi sobbed harder at this.  
  
Tomoyo smiled sorrowfully. "I love you, Okaa-san."  
  
The cries came to a halt. She was speechless. Even through all of the crulties Sonomi had befell upon her, her heart was still untouched, pure as ever. It was a statement as old as time, and many took it for granted. But to Sonomi it meant everything. Her forgiveness was better than any other gift. It was a statement. I required no spoken answer.  
  
It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever told her.  
  
Tomoyo rolled back over to face her friends. "I can't thank you enough. You've helped me so much. If it wren't for your concern I'd have never realized how precious my life was, what wonderful, caring people my true friends are. I promise you, that I'll never leave."  
  
Then her eyes softened as her gaze met Eriol's. "And even if we cannot be together, Eriol, I will always-"  
  
But the words never came. Tomoyo's face paled, and in a few seconds, so short and sudden it was almost as if it weren't happening, the heart monitor began to shriek.  
  
She would leave the sentence hanging in Eriol's mind for the rest of his life.  
  
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*sniff* I can't believe I really wrote that....... *blows nose* Didn't see it coming, did you? Well, you might have......... I am so very evil! The next (and last) chappie will be an Epilogue, and will probably be up tomorrow, as I'm almost finished with it!  
  
(All previous disclaimers apply. I also do not own the lyrics to "All You Wanted", the original version was sung by singer/songwriter Michelle Branch (I LOVE her music!), although I have altered it for my own purposes.)  
  
Thanks for reading this far, please stick with me! 


	8. Even If We Cannot Be Together

Five Years Later  
  
His vibrant purple eyes, once so twinkling, now were solemn behind the crystalline lenses of his spectacles as he gazed into the blurry midst outside his window. The whole car bore an oath of overbearing silence, an odd way of respect. The only other passengers in the car were Sakura and Syaoran. Syaoran sat in the driver's seat, his body stiff and restless as he plowed the car through the torrents of rain. It had been this way ever since her death. Things had changed, lives had changed, for the better or the worse, in a way that would remain for eternity.  
  
Sonomi had taken it the hardest, and of course was the most profuse in her grievance. However, after it sank in, the event seemed to have a positive effect. Although she was changed in the most incomprenhensible of emotional ways, Sonomi managed to find a second husband, a solemn but good- natured man (Eriol had met him once, at the wedding reception, but hadn't seen him since). She even sold her enormous estate and settled for a middle- class lifestyle. Eriol suspected this was her way of honoring her daughter.  
  
Another changed was Sakura. This also hurt Syaoran. After Tomoyo's untimely death she sort of just shut out. She suddenly was not the bright, cheerful girl everyone remembered, but something much darker and reserved, saddened and dammed up. Eriol had hardly heard her talk in public since the incident. The very light that made her herself was dampened.  
  
The motor stopped its whirring and came to a halt. The three sat placidly for a few minutes, none uttering a word. Yet they sensed each others thoughts, the familiar regrets, the 'only-if-I-hads', the fond memories. It was a kind of semblance so powerful it needed no phrase to carry its timeless meaning.  
  
Syaoran spoke. "We should do it now," he more commanded than stated. But everyone knew he meant 'We have to get over it. Let's go now and get it done with, and go on with life.' Sakura nodded silently and clutched her umbrella, and they all piled out of the car and walked toward the small gathering of darkly attired figures, almost invisible through the heavy rain crashing down upon them.  
  
It could have been a scene from any movie, so classic it was. The cold rains, the grieving family members attired in black, the solemn stillness. Sonomi and her husband were present, along with a few other students Eriol vaguely remembered from his elementary school years at Tomoeda. There was a small, humble sermon; but no one really listened, so caught up in their own personal mourning. Besides, the rain was so severe it swallowed the words before they left his lips. He seemed to know this himself, too, and halfway through his speech he was silent. All that could be heard was the tireless screech of the bitter cold March wind and the heavy smattering of raindrops. Someone blew their nose.  
  
"You may now send the deceased your reguards," he choked out, and Eriol suspected that he too, a man in no way connected with the incident, just caught up in the tragedy of his gruesome work, was crying along with them.  
  
He saw as Sakura and Syaoran placed their own bouquets of roses upon her grave before he placed his. He hesitated before laying down the bouquet. His flowers, unlike the rest, were not from the local florist. He had picked them himself on the way to the Li residence.  
  
He looked back at the blossoms, already dampened from the raging winds and rains, blending in with other cellophane-wrapped geraniums and roses upon the muddy earth.  
  
Plum Blossoms.  
  
Just like her name.  
  
With a long, last glance, he heard a honk and turned, without looking back, to make his way to the car. It was over. His eyes had run out of tears long since. He climbed in and strapped on the seatbelt, and the engine roared to a start and they drove away, passing the grim burial procession, leaving it behind for another year.  
  
Eriol watched it fade from view as they exited through the iron gates.  
  
Even if we cannot be together, even if we cannot be together........  
  
They drove on.  
  
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*bursts into tears* That concludes it, the sad, sad ending. I think its better left a cliffie, it speaks for itself in so many ways, a sequel would just be laughed at and never read. Thank you, everyone who has reviewed so far, your support has greatly helped me. I hope you catch the symbolism in that final sentence, there's a lot being said by those three little words.  
  
Small yet powerful.  
  
Thanks, everybody. It's been fun.  
  
What should I do next? 


End file.
